Everyone loves the idea of traveling to faraway planets and hanging out with aliens, right? Science fiction is such a cool genre — there’s spaceships and jet packs and lightsabers and sexy green women and a guy who travels through time in a phone booth! It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, though, when you start to actually think about the type of planets you see in sci-fi stories…
Ursa Minor BetaSpeaking of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, why’s Ursa Minor Beta such an awful place? Well, as Douglas Adams notes, ”although it is excruciatingly rich, horrifyingly sunny and more full of wonderfully exciting people than a pomegranate is of pips, it can hardly be insignificant that when a recent edition of Playbeing Magazine headlined an article with the words, ‘When you are tired of Ursa Minor Beta you are tired of life,’ the suicide rate there quadrupled overnight.” Yikes. So sort of like Beverly Hills, then?
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Miranda Miranda might have been sort of a nice place when it was first terriformed by the Alliance in Firefly and Serenity. But then the government decided to experiment with a chemical that was supposed to curb aggression in the planet’s population. What it did instead was make almost everyone so docile that they all stopped moving and slowly died of, well, all the things you die of when you can’t even make the effort to turn your head slightly. The people who weren’t “almost everyone?” They became horrifying monsters who mutilated themselves and raped, killed, and skinned people across the galaxy for no good reason. Not a fun time for anybody, if you ask us.
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Tatooine Sure, the double sunset must be nice to look at, but you know what two suns means? It’s twice as hot. That’s why the whole planet’s a desert. Seriously, it’s so hot that people have to harvest moisture on farms. Also, slavery is legal, anybody can shoot anyone else they feel like (which is fine when it’s Han shooting Greedo, but not when it’s someone shooting you), and then there are the Sarlaac pits!
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Arrakis For the uninitiated, Arrakis from Dune is like Tatooine in that the weather is impossibly oppressive, to the point where there is no naturally occurring precipitation – water has to be imported. Also, GIANT SAND WORMS. The only reason anybody lives on it at all is to harvest Melange, a drug that can increase the life span of its user. You know what? If we had to live on a planet filled with sand worms for the rest of our unnaturally long lives, we’d rather just die young, thanks.
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