Variety Is the Spice of Story

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While making a final sweep through Claiming Mariah, my historical romance releasing from Tyndale January 2013, I noticed that a lot of my scenes started with the hero or heroine’s name. And those that didn’t, started with some other character.
Sure, we've all heard to start each scene with the POV character, but I don't think the rule literally meant to start with their name. At least not every time.
Once I spotted those repetitions, I couldn’t not notice them. If that makes a hill of beans of sense.
Then it really started to get on my nerves.
The more I considered those opening paragraphs, the more I panicked. How in the world could I fix those beginnings? I got some advice from the Seekers, and some examples showing ways to twist things around, and I started tweaking, rewriting, playing with those beginnings.

Gradually, it started to sink in, and I managed to add variety to my scene openings.
Let’s look at some examples of before and after scene openings from Claiming Mariah.

BEFORE

Mariah felt like sinking through the kitchen floor. Slade Donovan had caught her staring at him. And to make matters worse, he’d stared right back.

AFTER

A rolling flush swept up Mariah’s neck. Now would be a good time for the kitchen floor to open up and swallow her. Slade Donovan had caught her staring at him. And to make matters worse, he’d stared right back.

In the example above, I got rid of starting the scene with my character’s name and the word felt by showing instead of telling.

BEFORE

Slade slouched in the saddle and let his gelding find his own way back to the ranch.

AFTER

The creaking of saddle leather broke the silence, but for once the men were silent. Slade slouched in the saddle and let his gelding find his own way back to the ranch.

Use the five senses to your advantage. I didn’t have to start with “The creaking of saddle leather”. I could have described the setting sun, or “Sweat dripped off the end of Slade’s nose”. Visualize the scene and pick one thing to add color or a bit of spice to the opening line and edge your character’s name away from that prime spot.

BEFORE

Slade hefted his saddle onto his horse, his gaze meeting Buck’s. “I’ve got to go into town and get a few supplies. You feel up to going?”

AFTER

“I’m heading into town.” Slade hefted his saddle onto his horse, glancing at Buck. “You want to go?”

Break up the dialogue. Stick a bit of it at the beginning, so that you don’t start with a character’s name every time.

BEFORE

Mariah rose early Monday morning to gather the eggs.

AFTER

While Mariah gathered the eggs, the chickens pecked at the corn she’d scattered on the ground.

The original tells us what Mariah did. The rewrite shows her doing it and paints the scene of what's happening around her, and it manages to push her name out of first place.

BEFORE

Mariah turned from the stove. Dark circles under her brown eyes made them look bigger and more vulnerable than ever.

AFTER

The pink hue of the rising sun peeked over the horizon as Slade made his way back into the doctor’s kitchen. Mariah turned from the stove, coffeepot in hand. Dark circles under her eyes made them look bigger and more vulnerable than ever.

In this instance, I just rewound the scene a few seconds, again sprinkling a little spice into the mix.



Got it? Here are some examples from Seeker books pulled at random off my shelves. These are some great examples of how to vary your beginnings.
Something slammed into the roof so hard the whole mountain shook. Grace screamed… Calico Canyon, Mary Connealy
The clatter of pans brought Elizabeth straight up in bed. The Subsitute Bride, Janet Dean
At eight o’clock that evening, Katherine donned the altered gown for the dance. A Path Toward Love, Cara Lynn James
“I can’t help but think he didn’t tell me because he didn’t trust me.” High Country Hearts, Glynna Kaye
Done! Katie jerked a sheet from her typewriter cylinder and released a silent groan, placing the last page from Parker’s board-meeting notes on a neat pile. A Hope Undaunted, Julie Lessman
The night lay thick as Kayla wound her way along familiar roads. Winter’s End, Ruth Logan Herne
Okay, that’s the lesson for today. Mix it up. Spice it up. Add a little variety to your writing. But...


DON'T OVERDO IT
Don’t try to twist your sentence structure into something God never intended. If the flow…the cadence, if you will…starts sounding weird, change it back, and keep looking for something that does work, but doesn’t change your voice.
And don’t just look at chapter beginnings. Look at how each paragraph starts. Then look at each sentence, one after the other...after the other. Eventually, you’ll notice those repetitive sentences and adjust them automatically.


DO NOT PANIC
There's absolutely nothing wrong with starting scenes and paragraphs with your character's names. As a matter of fact, the bulk of your scenes will start with someone's name. You want to write in such a way that readers' don't notice how you start each scene and paragraph. Variety will accomplish that.
Would you like to play? Throw up a paragraphs from your wip that starts with a character’s name, and we’ll have fun twisting the sentence structure around to give you more variety.
Today’s giveaway is a critique of the first five pages of a your manuscript to review your opening paragraphs. Please specify if you want to be in the drawing.

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Award-winning author Pam Hillman writes inspirational fiction set in the turbulent times of the American West and the Gilded Age. Her second Digital First ebook, Claiming Mariah, coming January 2013 from Tyndale House, won the Romance Writers of America’s prestigious Golden Heart contest. She lives in Mississippi with her husband and family. www.pamhillman.com